By Simon Heywood
After a series of dark poems and an attempt at a poem of empowerment, here is another poem that’s another attempt to be the empowerment through dark hardships. I wanted this poem to not just dig into everything in my past and everything I am labeled to be because of my past actions, but also to show what grows because of everything thrown at me. Blooming is about breaking free of the beggar cycle, and starting to give the full love I’ve always given to others to myself.
The contents of this poem was the culmination of all my previous poems, responding to the pain and abandonment I’ve been through. In times of emotional strain between friends, I show all my emotions and the effort to want to fix things, while they remain still and calm and cold. I always think about them, while they’ve already discarded me from their memories. All this effort I’ve spent trying to salvage relationships when I should have directed that energy to saving and loving myself, and this poem is the realization of all that.
My insanity and display of desires to heal and repair only pave the way for labels to be thrown my way. To them, I’m the crazy one to be left alone, to not be loved. I’m the villain of the story, and for a while and sometimes now, I believe that too.
For too long I’ve let everyone else define who I am. And that’s come at a cost. Their mirror has become mine, and I’ve lost sight of who I truly am, down to my core. Even so, recognizing this gives me power. Power to realize that I am the author of my story, and I can change my own perception of who I am. And I can change how I feel about the people I’ve lost. I’ve viewed all these people with anger and distaste because they betrayed me by leaving me, but I can choose to be greater than my own darker perceptions. I can choose to see that they left because I in fact wasn’t the best, and yes, they did leave me and leave behind that feeling of betrayal, but maybe they needed to do what’s best for them, and that’s all I should and will wish for them now.
I may feel irredeemable a lot of days, but despite the overwhelming anxiety and sadness that comes with this, the awareness helps me find ways of how to grow from everything that was. They may still view me one way, but I choose to view them with the love they gave me, and I choose to try and give myself some love, even if it seems impossible at first. To those who feel like you are undeserving of happiness, know that you do deserve it, and that your darkness does not define you, unless let it. No matter how hard it is, choose to bloom, and remember that there is no time limit or standard of when to bloom. Just do.